What’s that word again?

What’s that word again?

The word you call that feeling you get

after seeing something

hearing something, reading something

or even after thinking about something

that is so evil it makes you want to throw up

and retch and rant to the high heavens,

Enough, damn you, enough!

Life’s hell as it is; why allow this to happen still?”

 


What’s that word again?

 

The word that describes the feeling, the emotion that wells up

within your guts, reaching upwards like a diseased hand

groping,

searching,

grasping,

until it finally finds and crushes your heart.

 

What do you call that feeling?

 

That feeling,

like the feeling I get

whenever I watch a movie or read the news

reporting or portraying

a murder, a rape

or both.

With complete and vivid descriptions included

making you feel as if you were there watching

and could do nothing to stop it.

That is, if you wanted to stop it.

Because sometimes you feel like you were the one doing the killing

or the raping

and you are repelled by your feeling of wanting to feel what the rapist, what the murderer feels when he is doing what he is doing to the victim.

 

Then you start thinking, “and what does she feel then?”

 

They way the film portrays it,

or the way the news describes it,

she either feels every foul hand as they hold her down, arms and legs,

both at the same time

or

she feels nothing, dead to the world.

She either smells every stinking, alcohol-laden breath and

sees the leers and hears the savage, soulless voices as they shout encouragement to the man of the moment

as he proves once again that man is superior to woman only in acts like these.

 

You hate the feeling of being helpless and you try to shut out the sensation by thinking of something else…

An island.

The beach.

The park…

 

And it works, surprisingly,

until you see something that reminds you once again

of what it was you were trying so hard to forget

and you hate the feeling of recalling all that you thought of that day…

the rapid beating of your heart,

the furtive glances to make sure that nobody sees you so agitated like that

the nervous way you grasped your chair as you watched the footage

the way your hand shook as they held the magazine you were reading

the cold beads of sweat on your forehead.

What’s that word again?

 

(Monday, March 08, 1999)

 

What’s that word again?

6 thoughts on “What’s that word again?

  1. taroogs ay nagsasabing:

    @Bonn – hindi yata… pero i remember writing this several years ago because of a news item i read (appeal yata ni Mayor Sanchez sa guilty verdict sa kanya on the Calauan Case — Sarmenta-Gomez Rape-Slay. nanumbalik yung galit…)

    @Jovi – sana nga may E 🙂 (peyborit letter ko yun e)

    @S3lvo – hmmm… sounds like “hippopotamus” panyero 🙂

    @AZRAEL – ako din, sirit na. hehehe… happy to be tagged by you, pare!

  2. kengkay ay nagsasabing:

    winner ako dito ang word ay ‘POTARAGIS’ — nakita ko ang clue sa titol mo 😀

    Taroogs – (nagitla… nagtaka… napa-isip…) syanga no? 🙂

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