Funny but true. How sad for us…

[to the person who thought this up… asteeeg!]

What is a Philippine election?
It all begins when the country’s brightest, most highly qualified inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who have the potential to make good leaders, get together and examine the country’s problems, the state of politics and the long-term national prospects

What happens next?
They decide to emigrate

And after that?
Another group of bright people get together

What do they do?
They also emigrate

And then?
And so on and so forth

What does any of this have to do with a Philippine election?
When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders leave the country all the time, who are you left with? Retired basketball players? Toilet comedians? Bad actors and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids? Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites? You’re now ready to hold a Philippine election

How important are elected officials to the Philippines?
Nobody’s been able to figure out an answer to that one

What’s at stake in a Philippine election?
Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses! The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family! That’s from the politician’s point of view

How many positions are waiting to be filled in the coming elections?
About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined number of graves

So it’s like a lotto?
Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life

Who are qualified to run?
Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship who’s alive, of a certain age, good character and able to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court

What kind of candidates have the most chances of winning?
ARTISTS who have the CONFIDENCE of the people

You mean a con artist?, don’t you?
You said it, we didn’t

Who are qualified to vote?
Those willing to be bussed around and do a hard day’s work visiting a lot of precints during election day.

Talk about parties in the Philippines
Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines

No, POLITICAL parties.
Oh!. Well, in the past there used to be only two parties, the Liberalistas and the Nacionalistas. Now there are several dozen, but they still all fall under two main parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunistas

What’s the difference between the two parties?
Sosyalites love parties. Opportunistas will join any

Explain what this year’s presidential elections is all about.
Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the incompetent and the idiot?

No, is that a joke?
That’s the presidential election

You’re a cynical bastard, aren’t you?
No no no, we’re not running for office

Why are there so many international observers who come to a Philippine election?
They’re fascinated by all the strange phenomena which accompany it

What are you talking about?
Miracles are a dime a dozen during elections here. Vicious criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly. The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national leaders.

Why is the Church so closely involved in elections?
They’re also interested in studying the miracles. Also, priests are needed to administer the last sacraments to all the people who’re killed

Philippine elections sound like theyre really violent and bloody.
Not really. Not more than several dozen die on the average. Why that’s only a teensy fraction of the population! And everything blows over after election day, so the country can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft, hostage taking and coup attempts

How clean are Philippine elections?
Lets put it this way: if Philippine elections were your house you wouldnt want to live in it

What are guns, goons and gold??
Three traditional important elements of a successful election. There’s a new one: film credits

How come this pamphlet doesn’t include a question that goes why can’t all candidates just jump in the lake??
That question looks like it was just gratuitously put into this article for very naughty purposes. We decline to answer it

How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious?
Power failures in very specific rooms where the counting is taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by.

Can’t the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put a stop to crooked elections?
You really ARE from another planet, aren’t you?

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Funny but true. How sad for us…

3 thoughts on “Funny but true. How sad for us…

  1. Bonn ay nagsasabing:

    😀 Luma na siguro ito. Meron kasing ‘presidential’ elections. Medyo elitista nga lang ang dating para sa akin. Napansin ko lang na nawala ang masa sa kuwento/salaysay. (Elitista – ibig kong sabihin ay iyong mga taong may mataas na katayuan sa kani-kanilang larangan, halimbawa, sa larangan ng pulitika, edukasyon, telebisyon, komunidad, atbp.)

  2. joe_taroogs ay nagsasabing:

    kasama yata yun sa sad but true part — that philippine politics is dominated by the elite and that a great majority of the middle class (including some who call themselves progressives) look down on the “masses” or treat them as if they didn’t count. 😦

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